What is Couples Counseling?
Couples counseling is a safe and effective way to repair or simply improve a significant relationship. It can give you the tools to problem solve, learn how to manage conflict, and communicate more effectively as a couple. Couples who are married, engaged, or even just dating can benefit from couples counseling. Back to top
Couples Counseling can Help you to be Successful in:
Why do Couples Seek Counseling?
Couples seek counseling for a variety of reasons. Some feel that they have grown apart and no longer share common interests, some feel that they are misunderstood or underappreciated, and some may feel that their needs are not getting met. There could also be a number of other reasons why couples seek counseling. Whatever the reasons are, the important thing is to seek help before the relationship is beyond repair.
Who is Couples Counseling for?
Each individual brings their own personal history and individual outlook on life to the relationship and they oftentimes do not match that of the significant other. Those differences do not mean that the relationship is doomed. Contrarily, differences can often be viewed as complementary (opposites attract theory). Those differences can also aid in the understanding of opposing viewpoints.
However, differences you once found charming or interesting may now get under your skin. These differences can sometimes cause severe problems to develop such as extramarital affairs, communication difficulties, and feelings of loneliness or isolation.
Relationship problems can cause serious stress, hopelessness, worry, jealousy, and fear. Some may think that these problems will go away on their own. Left to fester, those problems will only continue to deteriorate the relationship and may eventually cause severe physical and psychological issues such as depression and anxiety.
Couples counseling can benefit anyone dealing with these issues:
How does Couples Counseling Work?
The couple will take part in analyzing the good and bad parts of the relationship. The couple itself is the counselor’s client and therefore the counselor works for what is in the best interest of the couple and not of a particular individual. Arguments may sometimes occur during a counseling session. This is normal and it is sometimes the duty of a counselor to act as a mediator. The counselor is never to take sides when disagreements occur.
Couples counseling works best when both people show up to the counseling sessions. Technically it is possible to see improvement when only treating one member of the couple, but it is much more effective to treat the couple together. Treating one person is only treating half of the problem. However, one can still learn about their behavior and reactions in the relationship.
My Personal Approach to Couples Counseling:
Customized Sessions
I understand that each couple is unique which means that each couple has their own set of unique problems. This is precisely why I customize the counseling sessions to meet the needs of each couple. Treatment that works for one couple will not necessarily work for another. This is where the skills of a good counselor are evident. Once I see a couple for a few sessions, I will start to give them a summary of what I think the problems are and what direction we should head in.
Focus on Communication
One of the main topics that I cover with almost every couple is communication. Most of the time, the root of every problem within a relationship is somehow related to poor communication. Some couples may only need improvement in one or two areas of communication and others may need a complete overhaul. Certain couples may feel as if they speak different languages than each other and sometimes they are, figuratively speaking. Improving communication will start the process of figuring out where the problems really lie and what it is that each person wants from the other.
Demystifying Unspoken Contracts
I am also a proponent of the contractual theory of relationships that was pioneered by Clifford Sager. Basically, the theory states that couples live by an unwritten and unspoken contract. Each person expects the other to abide by his or her unspoken contract. The problem is that each person has no idea what the other person’s contract says. I will use an example of Don and Sherry to illustrate the point further:
Don and Sherry are newlyweds. Don comes home from work one evening after a long and arduous day and sees Sherry unpacking some of their gifts from their recent honeymoon. Don notices that dinner is not ready and he is starving. Don says to Sherry, “What’s going on for dinner?” Sherry replies, “I thought you were going to cook since you are the one who actually can cook.” Don then retorts with an angry tone, “Surely you don’t think that I am going to work 10 hour days and then want to come home and cook. You aren’t even working yet!” “You know that I can’t cook!” yells Sherry. “That doesn’t mean I don’t expect you to try!” states Don in an even more frustrated tone than before.
That was an example of an unspoken marriage contract. Obviously Don and Sherry never discussed cooking arrangements before they entered into wedlock. According to Don’s unspoken marriage contract, he assumed that Sherry would be doing the cooking since he was going to be the only one working. According to Sherry’s unspoken marriage contract, she assumed that Don would be doing the cooking because he is good at it and she had no prior cooking experience.
Don and Sherry’s issue of cooking was fairly minor compared to other types of issues that can spawn from assumptions based off of unspoken contracts. My approach to counseling specializes in helping couples to identify assumptions, expectations, and hidden agendas and teaches them how to resolve them on a calmer and more productive level.
Nathan M. Comerford
MA LLPC NCC
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