Counseling for Divorce Transition
What is divorce transition?

Why Counseling is Beneficial During Stage 1:

•  Counseling can provide you with an unbiased perspective as well as an informed one.  A counselor that specializes in divorce counseling and that provides you with an unbiased view of your situation will be able to help you find out what you really want and can help you attain it much faster and easier than someone who has a biased view of your situation.
• Deciding what to do with a broken marriage is not something that should be left in the hands of a novice.   Effective counseling can help you sort out your thoughts and emotions in order to help you find out what you want out of your marriage.  It can help you decide whether your marriage is healthy or unhealthy.  Deciding whether to fight for your marriage or to divorce is perhaps the most important reason for needing the assistance of a well-trained counselor.     
• A safe and confidential environment will be essential in figuring out what to do with your marriage.  Counseling can provide you with a place that is safe to discuss anything you feel would be necessary.  It is much easier to think clearly and devise plans for your major life events when you do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or offending the wrong person.  You can learn to work together as a team with the counselor to bring about the correct solution for you and your family.

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Why Counseling is Beneficial During Stage 2:

• While a divorce can give someone a chance to start over and rebuild their life, there are many negative aspects to take into account as well.  Many people are under the impression that a divorce can alleviate all of their problems.  Feelings of being unloved, being unlovable, loneliness, and depression can also accompany a divorce.  Talking to a counselor familiar with the emotional aspects of divorce can assist in diminishing the negative emotional experiences that are generated from going through a divorce.
• People will be forced to ask themselves what kind of changes they will experience upon deciding to get divorced.  Some questions will be extrinsic in nature whereas other questions will be intrinsic.  Extrinsic questions might include, “Where will I live?” or “Will I have enough money to live off of?”  Intrinsic questions might include, “What do I want out of life?” or “Will these guilty feelings subside?”  Counseling can aid you in answering those difficult questions as well as helping you to plan for the future. 
• The path to an amicable divorce is possible.  There are several different legal options for getting a divorce which include: litigation, arbitration, collaborative law, and mediation.  An experienced counselor familiar with the legal aspects of divorce can help you in finding out which option is the most appropriate and most economical for you.  Divorce does not have to be a long and expensive process if you know how to go through it properly. 
• Explaining divorce to your children is paramount.  Divorce should be explained to your children.  However, there is a right way and a wrong way to explain it.  Find out how to properly communicate to your children by clicking here!
• Learn how to keep your children out of the potential crossfire.  Stage 2 can be a highly emotional and stressful time.  Unfortunately, children oftentimes get stuck in the middle.  Find out what steps to take in order to minimize the negative effects on your children.  Find out more info here!

Why Counseling is Beneficial in Stage 3:

• Feelings of guilt can be overwhelming and longstanding if they are not dealt with properly.  Almost everyone that goes through a divorce experiences guilt.  Many people feel that they have failed at one of the most important relationships in their life.  Guilt is normal after and during a divorce.  It is important to start dealing with those feelings of guilt immediately.  The faster you start to work through feelings of guilt, the faster you can start to reclaim your life. 
• Divorce is one of the few instances where family and friends don’t know how to react to the person getting divorced.  This is unfortunate because people going through a divorce need a lot of support to help them get through it.  Family members are oftentimes afraid to bring up the subject of divorce for the following reasons: 1) they fear bringing up the subject of divorce will only upset the person more and 2) they fear they may be overstepping their boundaries.  Friends of the previously married couple may fear they have to take sides of one spouse or the other.  Married friends may choose not to associate with the divorced person for fear that the divorce may illuminate problems in their own relationships.  Talking to a supportive counselor who understands what you are going through can help in this potential area of neglect. 
• Many people are afraid of making the same mistakes over again.  Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages according to most of the research done on the topic.  Assistance in figuring out why the marriage did not work and how to avoid making the same mistakes again is essential in starting over.  People tend to be creatures of habit and tend to stick to what they know. Thinking of that nature will only lead you down the same path.

If you can manage to get through a divorce in a healthy manner then most likely your children will too.  The post-divorce years are crucial for shaping the views that children have on parental relationships and relationships in general.  Divorce can have profound negative effects on children that can sometimes last 10-15 years or even longer.  Children can have a hard time trusting other people in their own relationships because they witnessed that love was only temporary between their parents.  You can help your child adjust to a divorce in a positive manner but, it takes work.  Talking to a counselor can help you vent your own issues without using your children as sounding boards. The last thing you want is for your children to soak up negative information on your stressful marriage.   Find out more info here!  

Suggestions for Taking Care of Yourself:

1. Get professional help for your painful feelings associated with the divorce.  If you are able to make a healthy adjustment, then most likely your children will too. 
2. Be patient with yourself and your child.  Hurt and loss following a divorce takes time to heal.
3. Resist using material things or special privileges to make up for your child’s loss.  Emotional hurt is best healed by love, care, and support of loved ones.

Keeping Your Children Out of the Fights:

• Never force your children to choose sides.
• Do not use your children as messengers.
• Do not argue or discuss child support issues in front of the children.
• Avoid pumping the children for information on the other parent.
• Do not use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.

Communicating With Your Children Through Divorce 7

Children should be told openly and honestly about the decision to divorce as soon as it made and both parents should be present.  Feelings of anger, shame, and guilt should be left out.

The feelings of parents and children can differ.  Parents may feel a sense of relief while children may feel a sense of loss.  Keep in mind how you think your child might be feeling when communicating to them.

Emphasize that the divorce is between the parents and is no way the fault of the children.  Children tend to blame themselves for the divorce and need constant reassurance that it is not their fault.

Children may question whether your love is temporary because that was the case they observed between you and your spouse.  Let them know that you love them permanently and unconditionally.

Inform the children so that they are prepared for upcoming changes, but do not divulge details about the divorce.  They do not need to know about all the problems in the marriage or throughout the divorce process.

Invite conversation; let them know that their feelings are important and encourage them to discuss them.

Help them put their feelings into words.  Their behavior can oftentimes clue you in to their feelings.  Let them voice their emotions while you help them to label them.

Legitimize their feelings.  It is important to let them get their feelings out before you start offering ways to make it better.  You can say things like, “No wonder why you are so sad”. 

Offer support.  Ask them what would make them feel better.  If they cannot come up with an answer, then make some suggestions.

Remember that your children only have one childhood so make it a positive one for them.